As I work alongside all of you recreating my own life there are times where I get lost. I immerse myself so much in other’s teachings, advice, Instagram quotes I find myself anxious, running frantically, not sleeping and unfocused.
Learning from others
I love the information age, I am a learner, so my soul can be constantly fed. There are times that I have to stop chasing the next lesson and appreciate the knowledge I have acquired. Then for my fulfillment share it. Deep down within me, I am compelled to share knowledge, wisdom, hard life lessons with those I care about. Of course because I care so deeply, I am a Scorpion, I want people to take what I share and apply it. However, that has been one of those continual life lessons for me that I can’t control what others do with the information you give. They will either take it or leave it and that has to be OKAY. I am that way, why shouldn’t others be? How many lessons did my parents try to teach me that I was like, no thanks I will learn it the hard way. We all have our own journeys to take and some lessons we graciously learn from others and some lessons we just have to wade through the mud to really get it. I have now come to appreciate that beauty in life.
The hardest way to learn
Back in 2013, many of you know this, my home was affected by widespread flooding in Colorado. Here is the video, the house with the Red door and cars floating is my house. Those dogs in the life raft were mine.
That event changed my life forever. It was devasting, we lost our home, our cars in a couple of hours. My work allowed us to live on campus for four months while we worked 8 hrs a day at our jobs and then went home and repaired our home each night until midnight. We were displaced on September 13, 2013, and didn’t get to move back home until late January 2014. For the next 3 years, I couldn’t see the purpose of this event. I would hear people’s voices that God works everything to the good. I left the Christian faith.
Life in the desert
As I walked hip-deep through that water on September 14th, broken, scared, devasted I became aware God wasn’t there. He wasn’t walking with me at that moment. I was alone, it was up to me to choose to take the next step and push forward. It was up to me to dig down and gather my inner and outer strength to move forward in my life. I was emotionally and spiritually crushed.
A year later I was diagnosed with PTSD. Diagnosing something and getting therapy for it doesn’t make it go away. I struggled emotionally for 5 years. Due to PTSD, I was dealing with Anxiety, Depression, Insomnia, Suicidal Tendencies. I was on and off meds, went from one counselor to another and using my grit to live the best productive life I could. I made impulsive choices and lots of poor ones. I was suffering daily and when you feel intense hopelessness, a big heavy weight on your chest, utter aloneness, and anxious about everything you just look for some kind of distraction or alleviation from that misery. Time, love and hitting rock bottom were the things it took to pull me out.
My life was an accumulation of trauma and the flood was the tipping point. Before the flood, I used religion to explain and “heal” the deep wounds. It was an effective crutch. The weight of the flood was too much for it though, and it broke leaving me pummeled by the weight of years of trauma unresolved. Can you imagine your entire life believing in things your family, culture, and teachers taught you and in a moment realizing it was untrue? You are left confused, angry, betrayed, untrusting, cynical and so broken. But life keeps moving forward so I just limped along.
Walking into a life outside of the desert
Then we come to now. I look back on the last 5 years and I mourn so much loss. The loss of my life in Colorado, my marriage, both of my dogs, my faith, many friendships, my relationship with my family, my love for CrossFit. However, I also feel such a huge sense of gratitude. By the stripping away of EVERYTHING I held dear and loved, it forced me on a journey to find the truth and who I truly was. No more crutches, no more relying on others or God, no more comfort zone.
I was raw, naked and left in the middle of the proverbial dessert to make a choice lay down and die or get up and take control of my life. For the first time I acknowledged this is MY life, not God’s life, it was my choices and decisions that created the life I wanted not God’s will to create my life and I follow in obedience. Even though that came from a pure place it was a bullshit place. It meant I wasn’t responsible for my life, God was, so whatever happened he could get credit or receive blame. In that dessert alone and naked I finally realized I am responsible for my life.
It took that tragic event and five long-suffering years for me to awaken and reconcile that God/Universe (however, you call this energy) is present among us in many different forms and can be found through many different paths. This energy was with me, but it was not going to do the work for me. My Christian God was supposed to do the work for me. He died on September 13, 2013.
The Godiverse I see now I am sure appreciates the fact I finally allowed it out of the box to be who it really is. I am grateful for my journey now. I lost a lot, but I gained so much more. That event freed me from years of unreconciled trauma, freed me from a toxic marriage, freed me from a life I was a prisoner in, freed me from a suffocating religion, freed me from living a life I wasn’t the creator of. It gave me eyes that can see the good, an open heart, open mind, a life that has seen life from many different perspectives, it showed me how brave, strong and how much grit I really have.
Listening to my inner voice
This journey gave me the gift of finally choosing Kim and honoring the human I am. I get lost still in others advice, but when I come to I realize this is my life and I have to listen to my own internal voice. I have to believe that voice is good, pure, smart, and worthy to be listened to. Yes, there are so many others smarter, more successful and wiser than me, but that doesn’t mean my voice in me isn’t just as valuable. I have to step back and meditate and slow down to see this again when I do I calm down and find the peace I spent my life looking for outside of me that sent me to the desert to find it inside me.
My advice, slow down. Take sometime to meditate, not pray, when we pray we are still engageing that mind talking. Meditating is just being still. Listen to what your body and soul are saying to you. For most of us it is that scary message we keep pushing down the one our soul keeps begging us to be brave and do. Speak it, put it out there in the universe so it becomes less scary and we can come alongside you.
