I have never been known to keep quiet.

I come from a long line of humans that speak their minds regardless of the aftermath to come.

Growing up sometimes that could be so embarrassing and I was always on pins and needles praying to God that Dad didn’t say something excessively offensive. When dad was around you were always looking around to see who he was about to offend.

Here is a funny story (now) to give you a taste of that old boy. On my 29th birthday, my parents came to Colorado to celebrate. We took them out to a nice Italian restaurant.

Keep in mind my birthday is Halloween so when we go out to celebrate everyone is always dressed up.

Our waitress was a young girl probably early 20’s and she was dressed as a sexy nurse. Dad asks her if she is dressed up as Nurse Goodbody?

My ex and I wanted to die. Slowly slipping down into the booth hoping we could reverse time.

She was like who? He said Nurse Goodbody from He Haw? No Dad, she was born in 1995, and you aren’t in the south anymore. She was like no, with a very confused look on her face, she took our drink order and walked off.

I immediately started in. “Dad, she is a kid and from Colorado, she has no idea what you are talking about. You are just some dirty old man hitting on her right now.” He said well I thought she was dressed up like Nurse Goodbody from He-Haw🤦‍♀️ He was just trying to be funny, connect with another human to make her laugh, all the while being who he is.

I admired that boldness about my dad.

He was 100% him all the time, regardless of who was around.

Don’t get me wrong, I get why being, to some degree, politically correct is a good thing. Being mean, calling people deragorty names, belittling people is not a good way to live a loving life.

To be honest, I am glad we have moved to a more sensitive society, where we are more mindful of our words. Has the pendulum swung too far? Probably so, we are getting too sensitive over too many things.

That is how change happens I think, you go between extremes and then find yourself in the balance of the middle.

Dad has always modeled confidence, belief in oneself, and determination to us.

He knew what he wanted and he went and got it.

I am grateful for the opportunity to watch a human show up in the world like this. If only, I could have fully embodied this at a younger age.

Love

My husband got into a work accident this week. Thankfully it turned out no serious injuries occurred. Workman’s comp, a subject neither of us knew anything about, came into play.

When you know nothing about a subject you totally feel vulnerable. At the mercy of others and their goodwill, that is NOT a place I like to spend much time in.

I know, a place I need to explore and work on 😉.

Jeremiah was asking for my help, I was reaching out to my contacts and we were both feeling the anxiety rising.

His work didn’t want to claim it, they just wanted to pay outright. They weren’t trying to shake responsibility they were just trying to avoid rate increases.

At the time though we were both feeling this could all go bad and we were going to get stuck with the hospital bills.

I automatically started feeling old familiar feelings rise up from a marriage long ago. Feelings that I have felt since 2015.

They were all going to be projected on to this poor man standing in front of me.

I started in with all my fears, my disappointment, my lack of belief in his ability to handle this, my lack of belief in his ability to take care and protect us as his family.

He stood there, sprained ankle and all and listened. Seeing the fear and fire in my eyes he knew better than to defend himself.

When I finished, tears running down my cheeks. He hugged me and said we have got this, I will take care of it and stand up for us.

I felt so different.

To be heard, to be given space to speak your thoughts that are haunting you. To be held and reassured yall are on the same side.

The Aftermath

The next day Jeremiah sent me a text telling me how much he appreciated and valued my opinion. How he appreciated my help and loved me more than I will ever know.

I have always known this man is the most perfect man in the world for me.

He truly loves me for all of me, 100% of me.

Why don’t I love myself that way?

I realize now that when we don’t love ourselves in this way we don’t show up in our lives well.

>>We play small, we play scared, we play the martyr.<<

2020 is a new decade, a new year, a new opportunity to show up for reals!

I am so glad I was honest and spoke my mind and heart to Jeremiah. He got to show me again what real authentic love does. It accepts and loves.

Our relationship grew and bonded closer. Instead of becoming a wedge this event drew us closer to one another.

It also showed me people can still love me even when I am being 100% me.